I have been given more advice these past few weeks then I have ever been given. I truly and sincerely appreciate all the kind words that have been shared. I lost my job. Not by choice. But by His plan. I have pursued other options for a part time position and they have gone no where. I have peace. More peace then I have ever felt. Because this is His plan.
Phil and I have sat down and pulled out all our financial obligations and took a real hard look. Tears fell. Sweaty hands were felt. BUT, we are going to be just fine living on one income. This of course is going to be tight. REAL tight. We are making sacrifices. This is not coming easy. I have prayed and prayed and prayed. And my God has answered. Not in the way I wanted, but the way He wanted. This is His plan.
I struggled for a long time with wanting to be home with my boy. I struggled with money and my career. But at the end of the day I have to ask myself this one question, Am I giving my best to my family? I am the only one that can answer. Not Phil, not my boss, not my class, not my friends. Just me. I have to live with the decisions that I make. I have to live with the consequences to the decisions that I make.
When I am old and gray I want to look back on my life with no regrets. I can honestly with out a doubt admit to the whole Internet world or just my readers, I do regret leaving Max. Not because I am not happy with his sitter (she is amazing). But because I have missed too many hours from my son's life. MY SON. I carried him, I birthed him, I am his mommy. But his mommy is gone to be with other kids. When I put it that way it hurts. I regret the times when he may fall and needs a kiss from mommy and I can't give him one. I regret the times that I am not there when he smiles or laughs. I regret the times when I am not there when he wants to know, what's that? I regret not being his 100% mom. I will not live that way any longer. I refuse.
All I have left is trust. Trust that this will all work out. Trust that we can and will be fine. Trust that this is the decision that needs to me made. Trust that God is guiding my each step.
You are such a strong, beautiful, humble momma. I know it feels like you are about to free fall, and YOU ARE. But you are also about to feel the most safe, loved, and that undeniable purpose of mommyhood fill ALL of your heart. AND you never know what MIRACLES are around the corner when you have had the courage and followed your spirit(heart) in what rings true TO YOU!
ReplyDeleteI'm right there with you mama! We are going to be BROKE next year, but I know it is worth it to be home with the kiddoss! (Plus, two kids in daycare? Can you imagine? That would bankrupt us!) Too bad your not in Phx... we could be stay at home mommys together and do cheap things! I think I am going to stay on seving like two nights a week just to help supplement our income and have spending money, have you guys considered something like that?
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