His Voice

I will return to work in 3 weeks.
My heart breaks.
Tears fall my eyes.
I will miss Max more then anything.
The hours I am at work I will yearn for my sweet son to be in my arms.

Deep breath...

3 days ago I prayed. I prayed with all of my heart for the Lord to give me peace about being a working mother. I prayed to be released of the guilt that I was feeling. I prayed to hear His Voice.

Each day since that prayer the Lord has spoken to me. Some may have their doubts about God. Some may say that we can't communicate with Him. I DISAGREE!

On Monday I was checking my email. I read my daily bible verse as usual and this is what the Lord spoke to me...
"We all face internal and external voices that speak negatively of our worth ( me feeling like the absolute WORST mother ), but God made the final statement in Christ. Do you feel guilty? God comes to your aid"
God is here for me during this struggle of mine. If He is for us who can be against us?

On Tuesday I cried to Philip. I was saying that I was envious of mothers that were able to stay home. I told Philip I needed to feel peace and not so anxious.
That day I read 1 Peter 5:7...
"Cast all your anxiety upon Him because he cares for you."
The battle that I am fighting is too big for me to win. I need to cast all of my fears and anxiety about leaving Max upon Him. He is much greater than I and He will fight and win this battle...as long as I trust Him to do so.

Today I dropped Max off at the sitters to help get us back in our routine. Of course I worried...not of his safety but that he would miss me too much. As I was pulling out of the sitters driveway on the radio (K Love) the verse of the day was Philippians 4:6...
"Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done."
I knew this was the Lord speaking right to my heart. I thanked Him for Maxwell, I thanked Him for an amazing sitter, I thanked Him for my career, I thanked Him for my schedule that allows me a ton of time with Max. I began to feel SO much better about the whole going back to work ordeal, God was laying peace upon me and I was drinking it in.

I will admit, I was still feeling envious of mothers that get to spend each moment with their child. As I was driving home from dinner tonight I was again listening to K Love. A pastor from focus on the family was speaking and it was about how each family is unique. To sum up what this pastor was saying was, the Lord chose Phil and I to raise Max. He knows of our conditions and what our family needs to thrive, He knows what Max needs, and what Phil and I need to be parents. Our circumstance WILL be different from other families. Their plan is unique to them and their children. The pastor said NOT TO BE ENVIOUS OF OTHER FAMILIES BUT THANKFUL THAT WE HAVE A UNIQUE PLAN THAT WILL ONLY WORK WITH OUR FAMILY. That pierced my heart and brought tears to my eyes.

This whole time that I have been throwing a pity party, I should have been praising and thanking the Lord for loving my family enough to create a unique plan that no one else can fulfill.

I thank the Lord that He answered my prayers and I was able to hear His voice.
This will be an ongoing battle, I need to continue to be thankful and pray for strength. I am not a bad mother. I am doing what is best for MY family. Sometimes the best thing for your family is the hardest thing to do.

Psalm 37:4

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."
The Lord knows my desire to stay at home with my babe. I have tried different avenues to stay at home and the Lord has not opened that door for me...yet.
His timing is perfect.
I am waiting for that door to open. Until then I will be thankful.