Those four words sum up my week.
Monday, Max was not himself. He was fussy (he is usually not), he was sleeping most of the day, and he had a terrible cough. Poor poor pookie! Being a worried mommy, I called the doctor and told them that Max has been stuffy and had a wet cough. The doctor told me to aspirate him when needed, do the steam shower, humidifier, and to wait the cold out. Before he hung up he told me that if Max gets a fever to go to the doctor.
Worried. Around 9:00 p.m. after Max fell asleep, I could tell he was breathing rapidly and felt hot. I took his temp and it was 100.5. Being worried, Philip and I rushed him to the Urgent Care. They got us back rather quickly and listened to his lungs and measured his oxygen level. His lungs did not sound clear and his oxygen level was low. They told me that Max would need a breathing treatment.
Tears. I started crying, these were tears of fear for Max not being okay. Tears of failure, how did I let my baby boy get so sick? Tears of love, I wanted to take this all away from Max. Poor baby is only 5 months old, he shouldn't have to go through this. The sweet doctor grabbed my hand and said that I was doing the right thing and that we caught his illness early. I could not have prevented this, Max will get sick and I know that. It is just so hard to see you baby, whom you love more than words could express, be that miserable.
They started the breathing treatment on Max and he SCREAMED! Phil and I had to hold him tightly so he could get the oxygen in his little baby lungs. After about 15 minutes of the treatment he fell asleep. The doctor diagnosed Max with bronchitis and an ear infection (because he wasn't draining all the fluid). Before we left the doctor, Max woke up all smiles. The breathing treatment was helping our boy.
Exhausted! We didn't get home till about 1:00 a.m. Max was fast asleep. I couldn't sleep because I had to give him breathing treatments every 3-4 hours. I couldn't sleep because I wanted to make sure that every breath he took was strong and clear. I couldn't sleep because I wanted him to feel safe in my arms. I couldn't sleep because I am a worried mother. That night (or should I say morning) I slept from 5:00 a.m. to 6:30 a.m. God gives mothers a source of energy that we can rely on when we are running on empty. Was I exhausted? Yes! But my baby needed his mommy.
LOVE. It is times like these, when you realize or are reminded just how much LOVE you have for your child. I can't explain how much and I can't explain the feeling. What I can explain is during the good times and bad times your LOVE for your child is what keeps you moving, feeling, and living.
Today is Thursday. My sweet Maxwell is sleeping and I am watching him dream and breathe so effortlessly. He has no idea that I am holding his tiny hand and praying that God heals him quickly, and thanking God for the good and the bad, to remind me what a blessing Maxwell truly is.
Max is doing so much better. Daddy and I have been alternating days off so our sweet boy can stay home and recover. I am sure that he would be fine with others, I am sure that he would be taken care of beautifully. But right now he needs his mommy and daddy. And mommy and daddy need him.
No comments:
Post a Comment